


Me In My Own Head

by tsukkeii



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, First Kiss, I also just wanted to show tsukki being really nice because he is deep deep down, I am so sorry Yamaguchi, M/M, Panic Attacks, pretty graphic description of, triggering
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-20
Updated: 2016-05-20
Packaged: 2018-06-09 08:26:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,866
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6898417
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tsukkeii/pseuds/tsukkeii
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Yamaguchi woke up and immediately knew that this day was going to be a rough one. He already had that sinking feeling in his chest and he could feel the nausea crawling in his stomach. He had barely been slept for the past week and last night was no different, tossing and turning (and crying) until he finally fell asleep. He knew he was reaching his limit, there was only so long he could repress and internalize his anxiety before it all came bursting out.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Me In My Own Head

**Author's Note:**

> I am so sorry for doing this to you Yamaguchi.
> 
> I basically poured all my feeling onto poor Yamaguchi, my anxiety has been through the roof for the past week.
> 
> This is my first ever fic so I hope you enjoy it.

Yamaguchi woke up and immediately knew that this day was going to be a rough one. He already had that sinking feeling in his chest and he could feel the nausea crawling in his stomach. He had barely been slept for the past week and last night was no different, tossing and turning (and crying) until he finally fell asleep. He knew he was reaching his limit, there was only so long he could repress and internalize his anxiety before it all came bursting out.

He managed to make himself a simple breakfast, pack his bag, and make himself look slightly presentable before leaving to meet Tsukishima. They always walked to volleyball practice together.

Tsukki’s already waiting for him, leaning against a tree, idly flicking through his ipod. Yamaguchi took a deep breath before walking up to greet him.

“Good morning Tsukki,” Yamaguchi greeted him with the biggest smile he could muster. He tried to sound as enthusiastic as he always did.

Tsukishima, who looked like he was struggling to stay awake, made a noncommittal noise in response that probably translated to something along the lines of “good morning but shut up it’s too early”.

Yamaguchi fell into step beside him as they began to walk to practice. Usually Yamaguchi would chat the entire way there while Tsukishima hummed and nodded, making small comments here and there, but today, Yamaguchi didn’t have the energy or the focus in him for talking. He was too distracted.

_Did I remember to lock the door? I can’t remember. It’s not a big deal, right? It’s fine. What about that assignment, I’ve barely started and I already have no idea what to do. What if I can’t finish it in time? Damn it, I shouldn’t be this worried about it._

“You’re quiet today, are you okay?” Tsukishima asked, his usually bored looking face showed the slightest hint of concern.

“Just tired,” Yamaguchi shrugged. It wasn’t exactly a lie. He couldn’t remember the last time he had gotten a good night's sleep.

Tsukishima eyed him suspiciously but made no comment. Yamaguchi felt like he saw right through him. Tsukishima was frighteningly perceptive and Yamaguchi was always too easy to read. Although Yamaguchi was glad he let it slide, he really didn’t want to talk right now.

They continued in silence the rest of the way to practice.

 

\---

 

Practice didn’t go any better

They had preliminaries in three days and Coach Ukai was working them harder than ever. After all, this was their last chance to make it to nationals this year, they couldn’t fail again. What was worse was that Yamaguchi knew that he would be put a game soon. A few months ago he had been dying to be on the court, but now that he might actually get that chance, he was terrified. His serves have improved over the last few months, but they weren’t perfect. They were only any good about half the time. He didn’t even want to imagine screwing up during a game.

_Not good enough, You’re not good enough,_ his thoughts told him.

All of a sudden Nishinoya appeared in front of him, beaming up at him with that smile you couldn’t resist. “Yamaguchi, let me receive your serves!”

“Sure, I guess,” Yamaguchi mumbled, there was no way he could ever say no.

“Awesome!”

The first serve wasn’t half bad, a bit too high maybe and too gentle. The second one was almost perfect, and even Nishinoya had a tough time receiving it. The rest went downhill from there. He served again, and again, but none of them were quite good enough. Too high, too low, out of bounds, hit the net, he couldn’t seem to get it right. He tried not to let it get to him.

What if he messed up during a game? It could be the difference between a win and a loss.

“That second one was really good,” Nishinoya complimented. “I could barely get it.”

_But you still could_ , Yamaguchi thought.

“Thanks, but the rest were-”

“Your serves are great Yamaguchi," he hit Yamaguchi affectionately on the arm. "I think you’re just nervous today.”

As much as he wanted to believe him, he couldn’t bring himself to. “Probably, thanks Nishinoya-san.”

 

\---

 

Class only increased Yamaguchi’s anxiety. He had two assignments due this week and a very important chemistry test that he could _not_ afford to do poorly on. He was quietly reviewing the test material and doing practice questions, but even that was a struggle. He could barely concentrate and every time he didn’t know the answer to a problem he could feel his chest tighten. He felt like crying.

_I need to do well on this_ , he reminded himself. _Just breathe, in for four, hold for two, and out for five._ He repeated it until he felt his heart rate lower. The next hour was a cycle, do one problem, breathe, another problem, breathe. It was slow but at least he wasn’t making a scene.

Then the teacher cleared his throat and waited for the entire class’ attention. “Unfortunately, I need to move the test up a date. We’re behind on our lesson and it needs to be completed before the weekend. The test is now on the 14th instead of the 15th.”

Yamaguchi broke.

He couldn’t handle this, he couldn’t breathe.

He had to leave. Now.

He managed to keep his voice steady as he politely excused himself from class. He didn’t remember exactly what he said, something about being sick probably. He took his bag, slung it over his shoulder, and walked as quickly as he could (without drawing too much attention to himself) out of the school. He made a beeline for home, now half-running, his legs were tingly and unstable but all he focused on was getting home. He refused to cry in public.

He finally made it home and barely made it to the kitchen before his legs stop working completely. He leaned again the counted and slide down to the floor, tucking his knees under his chin and wrapping his arms around himself. He knew he looked pathetic.

_I am pathetic,_ he reminded himself.

  His mind felt like it’s about to burst. Every anxious thought he’s had over the past week filled his head, it felt like he was drowning in his own mind. He just wanted these thoughts to stop.

Then all of a sudden he couldn’t breathe. His throat felt to tight and his lungs seem to stop working. It felt like a giant hand was squeezing his ribs, crushing all the air out of him. All he could manage was short, small gasps that just make him feel more and more light headed.

And then he started sobbing.

It was like a dam burst, tears flowed freely down his face and onto his knees. Uncontrollable sobs rack his entire body, it was painful. He felt completely out of control of his own body.

“Tadashi,” a voice broke through Yamaguchi’s thoughts.

Yamaguchi didn’t have to look up to know that it was Tsukishima.

“Tadashi. Breathe,” Tsukishima said gently.

_I can’t,_ Yamaguchi tried to say, but failed.

Tsukishima sat down in front of Yamaguchi, close but not quite touching him. He didn’t know if Yamaguchi wanted to be touched or not.

“It’s going to pass. You can get through it. Just breathe with me.” Tsukki then began counting. In, two, three, four, hold, out, two, three, four, five.

Yamaguchi focused on the steadiness of Tsukishima’s voice, how it never waved and never stuttered. He tapped his fingers on his arms to Tsukishima’s counting, a trick he had learned that helped steady him a little. He tried to breathe the best he could to Tsukishima’s counting and he slowly got his breathing back under control.

“Yamaguchi, what do you need?” Tsukishima asked once he noticed that Yamaguchi has calmed down a little.

Wordlessly, Yamaguchi scooted himself forward into Tsukishima’s lap and wrapped his arms around him and buried his face in his shoulder. Tsukishima hesitantly returned the embrace and began to rub soothing circles on Yamaguchi’s back as he continued to cry.

“I know you might not believe me,” Tsukishima started. “But your mind’s lying to you. I know you can make it through this.”

Yamaguchi tightened his grip on Tsukishima in response.

“Thanks Tsukki,” Yamaguchi mumbled after a few minutes, his throat was still hoarse from crying.

They sat there for another ten minutes before Tsukishima spoke again.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

“Not yet.”

“Okay, well how about we get off the floor. We can watch old episodes of pokemon if you want?”

Yamaguchi smiled weakly as he sniffed and wiped the tears off his face. “Yeah, I’d like that.”

Tsukishima helped Yamaguchi off the floor and led him toward the couch, tossing a blanket on Yamaguchi after he sat down.

“Here,” he handed Yamaguchi the remote. “Pick one while I make some tea.”

Tsukishima returned a few minutes later with two steaming mugs of tea. He handed one to Yamaguchi, who mumbled a small thanks, then sat down beside him.

“Did you leave class just to come over?” Yamaguchi asked, had been wondering this for a while.

“Yep.”

“You didn’t have to,” Yamaguchi mumbled into his mug.

“I wanted to.”

Yamaguchi pressed play and Tsukishima’s heart swelled when he saw the small smile on Yamaguchi’s face during the opening theme. Two episodes later and Yamaguchi finally started feel a little better. His eyes were still a little puffy, and his eye bags had eye bags, but he felt much calmer. But now he was completely exhausted, he always was after an panic like that. It completely drained him.

“Are you feeling better?” Tsukishima asked.

“Mmm,” Yamaguchi nodded. “A little.”

His eyes began to close and his head nodded a few times before he was being laid down. Tsukishima had wrapped an arm around him and guided Yamaguchi’s head into his lap. It was surprisingly comfortable considering Tsukishima was as thin as a twig, or maybe he was so tired he didn’t care. Tsukishima then began carding his fingers through Yamaguchi’s hair causing Yamaguchi to sigh in approval. He relished in the attention Tsukishima was giving him. It wasn’t often he showed affection.

“Who are you and what have you done with Tsukki,” Yamaguchi demanded.

“Do you want me to stop?”

“No,” Yamaguchi begged.

In no time Yamaguchi fell asleep.

 

\---

 

When Yamaguchi woke up, the first thing he noticed that he was in the exact same position he had fallen asleep in. He was still nestled in Tsukishima’s lap, except the hand that was in his hair was now draped around his waist. Yamaguchi couldn’t hold back a blush. The second thing he noticed is that the room around him was darker than it had been before and was lit with orange and red. He hoped he hadn’t slept too long.

“What time is it?” Yamaguchi yawned.

“Almost 7.”

Yamaguchi shot up from Tsukishima’s lap, his eyes began tearing up almost immediately, his hands started shaking. “Oh my god, I still have to study for that chemistry test, and I have two assignments I haven’t finished. I don’t know if I can do it and-”

Tsukishima grabbed on of Yamaguchi’s hands and held it tight. “It’s okay, I’ll help you.”

“I-I really need to do good on this. I c-can’t afford to fail, I need to get a good average.”

“You will. You’re smart, just as smart as me. You have never failed a test in your life and I know you’ll pass this one. Even if you don’t, it’s just one test. I know it might seem like it but the world won’t end. I’ll help you study as much as you want.”

Yamaguchi sniffed a little but nodded.

“Is this what you were worrying about?”

“Mostly,” Yamaguchi shifted a little in place. “We also have prefecturals in three days.”

“You have practiced serves more than anyone else on our team,” Tsukishima began to trace little patterns into Yamaguchi’s hand with his thumb. “I know you won’t believe me but I know you’ll do well.”

“But what if I mess up?”

“That’s what the team is for, to support you.”

“I guess. I know all the things I’m thinking aren’t logical, I know they’re unlikely to happen but I still believe them anyways. I hate it. I’m tired of it.” Yamaguchi sighed, putting his head in his free hand. “I’m so messed up.”

“No, you’re not messed up," Tsukishima looked him dead in the eye, his voice low and serious. "You’re amazing, even if you can’t see it yourself.”

“If you say so, Tsukki.”

“I mean it, and next time, just text me...or something….and I’ll be there.”

“I don’t want to bother you.”

“You’re not. You’re never a bother.”

They sat in silence for a few more minutes while Yamaguchi calmed himself down. Tsukishima never let go of Yamaguchi’s hand.

“Could you help me study now?” Yamaguchi asked.

“Of course. But I’m making sure we take breaks, okay?”

“Okay.”

 

\---

 

After a few hours of studying with regular breaks, they were both struggling to stay awake and decided to call it a night. Tsukishima had already decided that he was staying the night. They both sat on Yamaguchi’s bed to wind down, Yamaguchi played animal crossing on his nintendo while Tsukishima watched.

“I’m sorry you had to take care of me, but I really appreciate it,” Yamaguchi was still embarrassed that Tsukishima had to see all of that, but he was also glad he was with him.

“It’s fine, I wanted too. Really,” Tsukki fumbled his fingers together, a nervous habit of his. He was probably embarrassed at how affectionate he was being tonight.

Yamaguchi smiled brightly. He really wished that more people could see how caring Tsukishima could be, even if he could be a bit of a jerk sometimes. Tsukki just had an interesting way of showing his affection towards others that most people didn’t understand. Yamaguchi loved that about him.

Feeling a surge of bravery, Yamaguchi leaned in and brushed his lips against Tsukishima’s, quick and gentle. “Thank you,” he whispered before completely pulling away.

Tsukishima was frozen in place. For the first time that Yamaguchi knew of, Tsukishima was speechless. His eyes were wide open and Yamaguchi could see the colour rising on Tsukishima’s cheeks.

“Aw you’re blushing, that’s so cute,” Yamaguchi poked him in the side.

“Shut up, Yamaguchi,” Tsukishima said with absolutely no bite.

“Sorry Tsukki.”

Then they both burst out laughing.

“I’m sorry your face was so precious,” Yamaguchi said in between gasps. “Actually no I’m not sorry.”

Tsukishima groaned and covered his face with his hand. “Stooop.”

“Never.”

Tsukishima shook his head, “Anyways, it’s time for you to go to bed.” He began to get off the bed and make his way to the mattress when Yamaguchi grabbed hold of his wrist and pulled him back.

“You could…..stay here, with me….if you want….you don’t have to,” Yamaguchi honestly didn’t know if he could handle being alone tonight, he wanted Tsukishima as close as possible.

“Okay.”

Tsukishima removed his glasses and slipped in under the covers and moved close to Yamaguchi. Tsukishima hesitated for a moment before wrapped one around Yamaguchi’s waist. Yamaguchi moved closer and snuggled against Tsukishima’s chest.

“Yamaguchi,” Tsukishima whispered.

“Mmm?” Yamaguchi looked up at him, their faces mere inches apart.

Tsukishima closed the distance between them until their lips met. The kiss was longer than the first one, but just as gentle. Tsukishima’s lips were soft and warm against his and Yamaguchi’s heart fluttered when Tsukishima pressed a little harder to deepen the kiss. When they parted, Yamaguchi could feel both their hearts pounding.

“Goodnight Tadashi.”

“Goodnight Tsukki.”

 

\---

 

After some hard work and a lot of tears, Yamaguchi managed to get through the week. Unfortunately, the weekend only offered so much solace before the next week started and the cycle continued. Eventually, Yamaguchi told his mom about his anxiety one day after he had come home crying school for the umpteenth time. Luckily his mother was very understanding and got him to see a therapist.

It was hard, at first. Yamaguchi hated going and nothing seemed to help, but over time, they finally found coping strategies that worked for him. He also learned how to challenge himself and his thoughts. Yamaguchi even began to notice small changes over time, it wasn’t much, but it was something, and that gave him hope.

His recovery still had it’s ups and downs, there were still days when he felt sick to his stomach and felt like he couldn’t breathe. But he got through them, he always did, and true to his promise, Tsukishima helped as much as he could. Tsukishima knew he couldn’t fix everything, all he offered was a helping hand when Yamaguchi wanted it. It was all Yamaguchi could ever ask for.

It wasn’t perfect, it would never be. But he had people to support him, his team, his family, and Tsukki. These anxious thoughts would always haunt him, but he could cope with them, because he was strong and he would never give up.

**Author's Note:**

> come cry about iwaoi with me on tumblr: @tsukkeii.tumblr.com


End file.
